Care Partners and a Woman’s Perspective
Peter Kafka’s words this week allow us to plug our wonderful Stage 3 & 4 Cancer Caregivers Group …. although Peter’s words should encourage us to consider changing its title! I have seen them in compassionate action this week reaching out to a caregiver whose daughter was recently diagnosed with a difficult T3 lung cancer, and they are magnificent.
Led by former USAF Lt. Col and Women’s Health Nurse Practitoner, Susan Lahaie, our other Moderators include Pat Washburn and Barbara Dyskant, all of whom have lost partners to cancer – Susan and Barbara to prostate cancer, and Pat to breast cancer. The Group meets 1st & 3rd Tuesdays at 8.00 pm Eastern in our Barniskis Room. While all caregivers are invited to both groups, we do not discuss grief and bereavement during our 1st Tuesday meetings. Check out the Group and sign up at https://ancan.org/cancer-caregivers/
Back to Peter Kafka’s thoughts that speak volumes adn endorse the message above:
A WOMAN’S PERSPECTIVE
I recently stumbled upon a book published back in 1897, THE WOMAN IN BATTLE, by Madame Loreta Janeta Velazquez. I have not finished it at this writing, but it has already stimulated a number of thoughts relative to our individual journeys with prostate cancer.
Madame Velazquez was a young and quite ambitious woman who disguised herself as a man and fought in the United States Civil War as an officer in the army of the Confederacy. What intrigues me about her story is that it is a candid first-hand account of battles, conflict, life in the masculine military and observations of male attitudes and behavior from a female perspective. I don’t want to go into detail about her accounts other than to say that she charged right into the fray, doing battle from the start on the front line at the Battle of Bull Run.
I bring this story up as I said because I find it relevant to my own “battle”, and perhaps yours as well, with prostate cancer. Many of us on this journey have female partners who are in their own way affected by the nature of our own infliction with prostate cancer needing some form of treatment and intervention. But we rarely, if at all in our meetings hear of this experience from the female perspective. I know that we (AnCan) and other support organizations facilitate gatherings for caregivers that give partners some outlet of expression. But for myself and many of you most of our female partners would not categorize themselves at “care givers”. They are our partners who have been thrown into the fray by no choice of their own and have tried to navigate their way through the obstacles that our disease has presented.
Recently at one of our meetings a participant asked if I knew of a woman that could speak to his wife about what to expect and experience relative to a course of ADT drugs which he was about to embark upon. This request stopped me in my tracks because I had never had such a request before. It took me a while but I was able to find a woman who was of a similar age and experience who was willing to dialogue with this man’s wife. It is never hard to find another man with experience to speak with regarding any number of prostate cancer treatment protocols. I have often relied on other “brothers” as many of you no doubt have as well. But for those of us who have female partners, they are sometimes left adrift to fend for themselves, only hearing our own complaints and miseries and sometimes the opinions of our treating physicians.
But it is important to remind ourselves that if we are blessed with a woman in our life, that they too are going through changes and challenges as a result of our prostate cancer diagnosis. Their experience and perspective are just as valid and important as our own. This is not just a MALE disease because it can affect many of the ways that we relate to female partners, physically, emotionally and mentally. It is not often that female partners join in on our calls, but they are never excluded from most of our discussions and their perspective is very much valued.