Dr. John Antonucci on “Grief”

by Rick Davis | Jun 6, 2025 | AYA, Blood Cancers, Brain Tumors, Cancer Caregivers, Cancer Resources, High Risk/Recurrent/Advanced, High Risk/Recurrent/Advanced Prostate Cancer, hospice and palliative, mCRPC, Men 'Speaking Freely', Men's Breast Cancer, mHSPC, Multiple Sclerosis, nmCRPC, Ovarian Cancer, Pancreatic Cancer, Prostate Cancer, RMC, Thyroid Cancer, Uncategorized, Veterans, Women's Breast Cancer

Dr. John Antonucci on “Grief”

“Someone I once loved gave me a box of darkness”  –Mary Oliver

I was at a 12-Step-oriented workshop about grief recently, and it made me think about Men Speaking Freely (MSF). We are vaguely aware of grief in all MSF groups, it hangs over us, and we have at times focused on some specific griefs/losses, such as vitality, or a longer life. It is commonly thought that not thinking about a loss, not talking about it is the manly thing to do. Here in MSF we get relief by sharing our common losses with each other.

The presenter of that workshop, Marcia C., had some ways to specifically talk about grief that were new to me. She gave me permission to use some of her material here. She pointed out some types of losses that I hadn’t realized. For example, the loss of who I would have been if cancer didn’t happen, the grief of estrangement, loss of work, of status, of friendship; the loss of never having had something, that of aging, of trust, or of giving up something.

She said there is “unacknowledged grief” when such losses are never fully brought to consciousness. When I looked at her long list of examples I saw many that I have. We ought to watch for unacknowledged grief.

She described “non-finite” grief, which has no end-point other than death. Ours could be in that category, since as time goes by our loss increases instead of lessens.

Marcia said, ‘’Sharing your grief is a way to receive validation and compassionate witnessing. It can help you begin a path to healing and/or finding a way to live with grief.

Consider the questions below:
1. Are there griefs you haven’t realized you have or have been afraid to face?
2. Are there griefs about which you’d like to share?
3. Do you have grief practices that might be helpful to others?
4. Make a list of griefs you’ve experienced.
5. Choose a tool from the list that might help you process your grief.”

That list of “tools” was long; it included things like: write a letter or poem describing our loss…Create a ritual of letting go…Share with others who have had similar losses…Visit a place that is meaningful…Make or buy a talisman that helps you feel protected…Dance, run, yell to get your feelings out of your body…Plant something in remembrance or as a new beginning…Start a new tradition…Do an intentional funeral… These are ways to bring acknowledged, unacknowledged, and non-finite grief out for a conscious conversation. Moving from covert to overt, with the goal of making a relationship with the loss, and getting rid of the unconscious silent prolonged scream that I, for example, think I harbor.

We think of grief as emotional, but in “Dealing With the Physical Impact of Intense Grief” by Batya Swift Yasgur, the author describes the variety of physical reactions to grief.  Ranging from elevated blood pressure to takotsubo cardiomyopathy — sometimes called “broken heart syndrome” — which is a “stress response that balloons the heart.” We often wonder about the reaction on our immune system, and its implications to our overall survival. In fact, probably nearly all our systems react to grief in some way.

There is a fairly new grief-related diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual and the International Classification of Diseases, describing a “persistent and pervasive grief response” that goes on longer than a year., and is now called Prolonged Grief Disorder. In order to be diagnosed with Prolonged Grief Disorder, a person must experience at least three of eight additional symptoms that include “disbelief, intense emotional pain, feeling of identity confusion, avoidance of reminders of the loss, feelings of numbness, intense loneliness, meaninglessness, or difficulty engaging in ongoing life” according to Columbia University’s Center for Prolonged Grief. For an adult to meet the criteria for a PGD diagnosis, the death of a loved one must have occurred at least one year ago, and the symptoms must be present most days since the loss and nearly every day for at least the last month.

Our situation is different from losing a loved one (although it includes that) and waiting for the grief to go away. Instead of a major loss which goes farther and farther into the past, our major loss is in the future. We have sort of a reverse Prolonged Grief Disorder. For instance, I expect my losses to get worse and worse until death.

November 1, 2023